Laughter is the best medicine

Friendship

2010-08-26T18:22:00.000-07:00

Friendship between women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

"What gender is 'computer'?"

2010-08-12T22:55:00.000-07:00

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.’

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4.. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.....

CONVERSATION BETWEEN HUSBAND AND WIFE

2010-08-12T22:44:00.000-07:00

WIFE: I wrote your name on the sand, it got washed away.
I wrote your name on the air, it was blown away. Then
I wrote your name on my heart and I got Heart Attack.

HUSBAND: God saw me hungry, He created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, He created Pepsi.
He saw me in dark, He created light.
He saw me without problems, then He created YOU.

WIFE: Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.

HUSBAND: The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful Why doesn't it rain on you?

WIFE: Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like you should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry, you will find me there too
Not in the cage but laughing at you.

Ah Beng looiking for wife (A joke)

2009-10-31T23:01:00.000-07:00

This joke is a in typical Chinese English slang which are commonly used in Malaysia and Singapore.
I have listed the actual English word for you easy understanding.

wor, leh, lar = Chinese slangs
wan? = want
sexticed = sexually excited
gomen = Government
skool = school
dunwaan laar = don't want
ahmah = mother/mom
aiyoo, aiyoyo = irritated (Indian slang)
potong stim = being put off (potong = cut, in Malay)
lidat = like that

This is a story about Ahbeng in search of a wife with the help of his mother, Ahkew. One day Ahbeng's mother bring home 3 pretty girls and introduce to Ahbeng.
The 3 pretty girls name and occupation :
1.) Ahuey - Telephonist
2.) Ahmoi - Primary Skool Teacher
3.) Ahlian - Bus Conductor

Ahbeng very sexcited lar of course then after a while of chatting with the girls his mother asked him.

Ahkew : Ahbeng, how ? Which one you like the most ?

Ahbeng : I like Ahlian the most

Ahkew : Aiyoh bus conductor only wor! where got future wan? Ahmoi not bad leh! gomen work you know? good benefit, next time your children wanna goto skool also easy

Ahbeng : Ahmah dunwan laaa!!

Ahkew : Why dunwan?

Ahbeng : bcoz skool teacher they love to say "PLEASE REPEAT!! DO AGAIN!!! I Want it done 10 times...SOME MORE, SOME MORE!" Like this very tiring everynite I can die one ahmah!

Ahkew : aiyoo!!! then Ahuey lar! at least she is better than Ahlian

Ahbeng : Dunwan also! ahmah, she is telephonist la! they love to say "WAIT A MINIT! PLEASE HOLD ON!" dem potong stim lidat ahmah where got mood to make baby la?

Ahkew : Aiyoyo!!! then what u like about Ahlian so much? bus conductor only wor!!! Where got future one ?

Ahbeng : Ahmah you dunno wan la ... I always take mini bus to KL (Kuala Lumpur), those women bus conductor always say "BANG! MASUK BELAKANG!!! MASUK DALAM SIKIT!!! DALAM ADA TEMPAT!!! MASUK MASUK!!!" (in English it means " Brother! "go in behind, go deep inside! go deeper some more! inside still got place!! deeper! deeper!!!) everytime they say lidat i also very sexcited one !!!!

Chinese Names

2009-10-31T02:56:00.000-07:00

Chinese Names - Annie Wan (Anyone)

Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan? (anyone)

Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Caller: I'm Sam Wan( someone). And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noel Wan(no one) was involved in an accident. Noel Wan got injured and now Noel Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I'm Saw Lee. (sorry )

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

Before Marriage After Marriage

2009-10-29T22:57:00.000-07:00

Before marriage....
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!

After marriage....

Simply read from bottom to top.

Ah Beng Jokes

2009-10-29T17:59:00.000-07:00

Ah Beng - NEW STUFF

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Ah Beng bought a new mobile. He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said, "My Mobile No. Has changed. Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610"

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Ah Beng: I am a proud because my son is in Medical College .
Friend: Really, what is he studying?
Ah Beng: No, he is not studying, they are studying him.

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Ah Beng: Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be OK.
Ah Beng: Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.

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Ah Beng: If I die, will you remarry?
Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will you remarry?
Ah Beng: No, I'll also stay with your sister.

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Ah Beng: People consider me as a "GOD"
Wife: How do you know??
Ah Beng: When I went to the park today, everybody said, Oh GOD! You have come again.

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Ah Beng complained to the police: "Sir, all items are missing, except the TV in my house."
Police: "How the thief did not take TV?"
Ah Beng: "I was watching TV news..."

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Ah Beng comes back to his car & find a note saying "Parking Fine"He writes a note and sticks it to a pole "Thanks for compliment."

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How do you recognize Ah Beng in school?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.

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Once Ah Beng was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other..So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.

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Ah Beng in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and says"Hello, how did you know I was here?"

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Ah Beng: Why are all these people running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Ah Beng - If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?

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Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense.
Ah Beng: The future tense is "you will go to jail"

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Ah Beng told his servant: "Go and water the plants!"
Servant: "It's already raining."
Ah Beng: "So what? Take an umbrella and go."

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A man asked Ah Beng why Ahmad Badawi goes walking in the Evening andnot in the morning Ah Beng replied Ahmad Badawi is PM not AM

Affair Jokes

2009-10-29T09:03:00.000-07:00

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon." "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf .. again !"
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The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "! Not this time!"

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The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must! be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"

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The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door."Hurry, " she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

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The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man thought. He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

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The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to," his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

husband and wife jokes

2009-10-25T00:12:00.000-07:00

Life & Death From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Samy.""Samy! But he is your enemy!""Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."

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Wedding Ring At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? "The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

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Why? A man goes to his father with his problem, "Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms. Why, Dad ? Tell me why!"

Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."

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Same Service A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking.
Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking.""Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"

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Talk About Husband One woman told another : "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"

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Love To A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple ? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?""I would love to." Replied the husband. "But I don't know her well enough".

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No one dares A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares to answer her."One of his friends asked."And when you are angry, what do you do?"The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.

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Come Home Late A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim? And that cured him.""Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?"The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."

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Problem Father "You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?"He replied, "I'm going to be a father.""But that's wonderful," I said."What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet."

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Husband and Wife

2009-10-25T00:07:00.000-07:00

Husband and Wife - Why divorce?
In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honor, I want to divorce my husband." "But why ?" asked the judge. She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me." The judge asked, "How do you know ?" She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."

Husband and Wife - Love Your Enemy
From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Samy." "Samy! But he is your enemy !" "Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."

Husband and Wife - Wedding Ring
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? " The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

Husband and Wife - Why?
" Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms. " Why, Dad ? Tell me why!" Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."

Husband and Wife - Same Service
A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking." "Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"

Husband and Wife - Talk About Husband
One woman told another : "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"

Husband and Wife - Love To Do
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?" "I would love to." Replied the husband. "But I don't know her well enough."

Husband and Wife - No Answer Back
A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her." One of his friends asked."And when you are angry, what do you do?" The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.

Husband and Wife - Come Home Late
A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him. "Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?" The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."

Husband and Wife - Problem Father
"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?" He replied, "I'm going to be a father." "But that's wonderful," I said. "What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet.

About Marriage

2009-10-24T19:01:00.000-07:00

About marriage... Enjoy...

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want then, when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

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Man: Is there any way for long life? Dr: Get married. Man: Will it help? Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.

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Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

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Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do? Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

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It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

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It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as women and then he turns them into Wives.

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If u r married please ignore this msg, for everyone else: Happy Independence Day

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Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---- There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.

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Girlfriends r like chocolates, taste good anytime. Lovers r like PIZZAS, Hot n spicy, eaten frequently. Wives r like Dal RICE, eaten when there's no choice.

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Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated? Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.

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Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'? Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.

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There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go through hell for her. They got married and now he is going thru hell.

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Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your life!

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Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!

Explanation

2009-10-24T18:14:00.001-07:00

Explanation
1. Losing all your friends Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him.Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends."

2. Brother wanted A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,"send me a brother"....Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"....

3. Meaning of WIFE Husband asks, "Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!"Wife replies, "No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!"

4. Importance of a period Teacher: "Do you know the importance of a period?"Kid: "Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away."

5. Confident vs. confidential A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential? "Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! "

6. Anger management? Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?"Wife: "I clean the toilet." Husband: "How does that help?" Wife: "I use your toothbrush ."

Explanation

2009-10-24T18:14:00.000-07:00